Tips from a Bartender
This is a handy little guide for all you alcoholics: How not to piss off your bartenders!
Even though bartending is generally awesome, some things can really irk those of us serving up a heavy dose of belligerence. So don’t do these things. Your drinks will taste better and you’ll have good karma!
Yours truly tending bar.
DON’T BE CHEAP
RULE #1: Tip your bartenders. This is their income.
Do you like to work for free?
Neither do we. Tip us!
If your drink is free (free beer hour, etc) this doesn’t mean your social responsibilities go out the window. Seriously. You just got a free beer and you can’t be bothered to leave a dollar? If anything, you should be moved to tip more! You deserve to be hit by a car.
Don’t hit on your bartenders. First of all, you’re not that cute, and you’re drunk. And this especially goes for you assholes who ‘forget’ rule #1. I can’t pay the bills with compliments, and nobody wants to date a cheap-ass.
Don’t ask me to ‘make it stronger’. No. Whatever I tell to your face, the real answer is “go fuck yourself.” Asking something as bold as this will lead me to make your drink worse/weaker/without love. We didn’t get this job by not knowing how to make a fucking quality beverage.
“No ice” does not mean it will be stronger. This ain’t McDonald’s, slick. Since we pour the liquor based on counts, you’re going to end up with more mixer. Hot mixer. You’re also gonna look like an cheap idiot.
Bring only money, leave only tips.
DON’T BE AN IDIOT
If you start falling asleep or vomiting, go home. It’s alarming how many people don’t come to that conclusion naturally, and the last thing we want to find on the floor when we’re cleaning later is your body/bodily fluids. We don’t show up and puke on your lawn!
Don’t bring a backpack. You’re not early ’00 Kanye West, and you’re not the DJ. There is no way in hell you need that much shit to party.
Don’t disrobe to show off your tattoos. I promise you, nobody gives a single shit. And that girl you’re trying to impress? She’s laughing about you with us later.
Please don’t ask a busy bartender to “surprise you.” Ain’t nobody got time for that. Know what you want before you get to you. You’re not the only drunk asshole we’ve got to take care of, and the less time you waste, the more we want to ever serve you again.
The bar is not a coat check. If you leave your jacket with us, we will not hunt you down and give it back to you at the end of the night. Especially if we like it and it fits one of us or our friends.
Don’t bring any weapons. Be a lover, not a fighter.
No, I don’t want to “give you a cigarette” I will sell you a cigarette, sure. And stop asking to borrow my lighter, I know you’re never going to give it back.
Don’t make an ass of yourself
Move out of the way. Get your drink and move on. Don’t organize your wallet, fix your lipstick and start talking to someone random. (More of a ‘small bar’ rule.)
Be loud – if I can’t hear your order, it’s not my fault when your drink is wrong.
Have payment ready. Don’t act fucking surprised when I shoot the $5 hand sign at you. Give me $6 or your card.
ABSOLUTELY let the bartender skip you in the bathroom line. We got drinks to make and you’ll probably be rewarded with a free shot or strong drink upon your next visit.
Take care of your friends. If they are falling asleep or vomiting, call them a cab.
When the bar is closed … LEAVE. If you don’t work there, or aren’t fucking somebody who does, we need you out. You’re not special, get the fuck out.
Remember: Bartenders are your friends, most of these transgressions are easily forgivable if you just leave a goddamn tip.
And if you ignore this advice, you’ll end up like this guy:
Thanks to the homies Neon Liger for letting us borrow the photos!