Ugly Sweater Party Guide

Bill Cosby Ugly Sweater King

In these last few days of the holiday season, you may find yourself invited to a time honored tradition – The Ugly Sweater Party.

Holiday parties are the white light at the end of the wreath-infested tunnel that is the holiday season. The realization that you’re dead-broke mixed with the repetitive jingle of “Baby it’s Cold Outside” is enough to send the most sound-of-mind running to their liquor cabinets. Ugly Sweater Parties are your reason to get real nice and intoxicated while pretending you’re ironically celebrating an article of clothing.

Here’s a quick guide on how to win at these parties. You may even get a chance to play “who’s in my bed” the next morning if you do it right!


You’re Doing it Wrong

If you’d rather get laughs then laid, this is you route. Start with a hideously-cut sweater that may or may not be from your grandpa; end with pleated pants and comfy loafers. Go ahead and scent yourself with moth balls, ’cause all your friends will never be able to see you the same way again. Do not step out wearing this god-awful monstrosity of an outfit. Just don’t do it. (Ladies, also lookin’ at you.)


Ugly Sweater Realness

Get yo’ Fresh Prince on with this street-style inspired get-up. Metallic/latex/patterned skinnies or leggings, high tops and the latest in accessories.

Get the Peter Pan look by laying a button up or getting a statement necklace. Stack gold accessories, rock acrylic nails with decals, and don’t be afraid to go over the top. It’s a theme party! This look belongs to the right person, but if you can pull it off, you’ll be the hottest bitch up in that hooouuuuseee.

Slutty Gals Guide

Sometimes, main-streamers may be invited to (or throw!) one of these shindigs. In case you’re allergic to thrifting with a personal style mass-produced by F21, here’s a sure-fire way to may sure every psuedo Joseph Gordon-Levitt wants to be all up in your cable knits.

Pick up a funny or ironic sweater. Then, sex it up with leather and fishnets. Keep it hipster with lots of mustachioed accessories. Those are still totally hot.  Pro-Tip: ‘nerdy glasses’ are a must-have, but they can hide your lashes.  Avoid a disappointing night by making sure you go big or double up! Same advice goes for boys, LOL!



If you’re taking this (and yourself) a bit seriously, this is how it’s done. You’ll want an interesting sweater with a fun pattern, an asymmetrical neckline and a flattering shape. Add some edge with embellished shorts, fun tights and seasonal JCs. Get funky with quirky/kitsch accessories to complete the look. The end result will be chic, sexy and above all else, won’t look like you tried too hard. Perfect!



Before we begin, look at yourself in the mirror… Are you ridiculously hot and/or fit as fuck? If you answered no to either of these, don’t fucking do it. Wear a nice button down or something. Women don’t like their men being emasculated.

This look will totally give all the ladies flashes of a future-you on a lay-z-boy with enough back hair to knit a sweater.

Not. Cute.

Plus, you don’t wanna steal any attention from the bitches. Bitches love attention.


Hope this little holiday guide helped. Go party it up. Designate a driver, and always wear a rubber ya’ll!

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