Commercialism, Making The World Better For All Of Us

Michael Jordan Hitler Mustache

While I usually find television advertisements to be regurgitate-inducing filth, I am forced to admit that there are a special few that truly do their part to move this country, and the world, towards the next level of social equilibrium.

For that fleeting :30 – 1:00, our eyes are opened to a world of harmony and brotherhood where all sexualities, races, genders and creeds can come together under the umbrella of low prices and big savings.

To you skeptics, I offer these exemplary ad spots.


This Progressive commercial is really living up to its namesake, although in a really subtle way. While most fundamentalists may watch this and see two dudes helping each other bargain, anyone who has ever met a gay person realizes this is a mouth-kissing couple. I mean, c’mon, what two men go shopping for insurance together? And look at the way he shoves his hand in her face when he shows off his sweet watch. Hello, the bottom is wearing a rainbow on his shirt!


The Red House deserves a fucking medal. They’re helping bridge the gab between our fellow man, breaking down the racial tension strangling our sweet motherland, one ottoman at a time.

Finally, the most hard-hitting reformer of them all, Michael Jordan sporting a Hitler ‘stache for Hanes.


No, it’s not too early anymore. M. J. is the most beloved American sportsman this great country has to offer. Maybe, just maybe, the only person who can usher in a new era, the unavoidable social progressiveness that allows us to wear our faces in the style of the most hated man in human history, is that same man who fought aliens in an inter-stellar-inter-dimensional basketball game with Bugs Bunny. And he does it in such a flat shirt.

Now that’s progressive.

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